Twilight: The Lolz Edition
by winkipop
Summary: The parody of Twilight Stephenie Meyer cried into her pillow and pumped up some Muse over…


**I originally posted this parody series on from October 2008-September 2009 and many people liked it. Hopefully you will too. Of course, I hate **_**Twilight**_** with a passion and if you wanna tear it down a few pegs with me, read on!**

**Title: **_Twilight: the Lolz Edition_

**Rating: **MA15+

**Disclaimer: **Ew, why the hell would I wanna own _Twilight, _I'd rather get my nuts caught in the car door. That's to say if I had any :D

**Summary: **The parody of _Twilight_ Stephenie Meyer cried into her pillow and pumped up some Muse over…

* * *

"...Oh, Honey, you're gonna love it in Forks! They've got some cute little shops there, cafes, I think they even have a petting zoo as well. Plus, it's home to the biggest ball of twine in the _world_!"

Wow, _peachy._

Like your average teenager filled with angst, hormones and parental hatred, Isabella Swan was faced with the prospect of having to stay with her father while her mother gallivanted around the country with her new amateur baseballer/womanising toyboy husband. Naturally, Bella (as she preferred to be called 'cos it was way more hardcore) was now one of those neglected children when their newlywed mother and new step-father would both rather have loads of great post-marital sex rather than care for their child's well-being, maybe have dinner on the table for Bella so she would at least have a decent meal for once, instead of the usual cat food her mother got for half-price at Safeway.

Not like her father was any better. He was the police chief of this hick town in the middle of Bumfuck, USA, a compulsive gambler and misogynist. Of course, he would want Bella to do all the cooking and cleaning while he was gone, which would be at all hours. Not fighting crime, mind you. Come on, it's a small town, what's he gonna do, bust squirrels for acorn heists? No, Bella's father would most likely be getting drunk at the only bar in town, as well as prank-calling his old friend Billy Black, who he had fallen out with many a year ago over unpaid gambling debts from Billy's Indian Casino, and asking him if his refrigerator was running. Turns out it never was.

Anyway, Bella's mother, Renee, dropped her off at the airport, and she made the trip from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington. She arrived on her father Charlie's doorstep and knocked on the door, loud enough so her father would awake from his usual drunken stupor. She heard a stumbling towards the door and it opened, nearly breaking her nose in the process.

"Well, well," Charlie slurred, unsteady on his feet. "Yer mother pawed you off to me now that she's gotten married and all, the bitch?"

Bella had always had a volatile relationship with her father, never really getting to know him. She hoped that while she was here, maybe that would change. "Hey, Dad," she replied, feigning enthusiasm. She carried her bags inside, taking in her surroundings.

The place was a fucking dump: a couple of windows were smashed in, carpet torn up, the crappy portable black and white TV flickering, various copies of _Busty Ukrainian Broads_ scattered all over the coffee table. Not exactly a child-friendly environment.

"So, the house looks...great," Bella noted, lying, of course. She could also detect the distinct scent of weed in the air. What was Charlie _doing_ in here?

"Yeah, the hooker I hired raided my house and took some of my stuff!" Charlie bellowed, explaining more than Bella should know. "That's the last time I use the escort service two towns over, that's for sure."

Bella grimaced. "So, um...maybe I should get dinner ready or something?"

But Charlie had already collapsed to the floor and was fast asleep.

Bella sighed. It was gonna be a _very long_ stay with her father, indeed.

For dinner that night, Bella ate alone, eating some 3-day old fish fingers (that's fish sticks to you Americans ).

Bella arrived for her very first day at Forks Reform Academy, where even the worst behaved kids feared to tread in America. Apparently, corporal punishment was still an option here. The Catholic School kind, rods, rulers and all!

Bella walked a lonely and anxious figure down the school corridors, watching as all eyes fluttered towards her, scrutinising her carefully. Of course, she was the fresh new meat who would cop it bad from her classmates, maybe even finding her head down the toilets at the end of the day if she was lucky. Apparently, that's called a Forks Greeting.

"Well, well," said a snooty voice from behind. "I guess you're the new girl, huh?"

Bella turned around. Standing before her was a blonde girl and two of her friends, wearing the latest in Forks local fashions, consisting of stripper heels, skirts that could double as belts and halter tops. In -3° degree weather. God, Forks was so bleak.

"Um, yeah," Bella replied, rather meekly. "I'm Bella, by the way."

"I'm Jessica. This is Angie, and Lauren."

Bella put out her hand, but Angie and Lauren were less than welcome. She even caught Angie flipping her the bird. Lauren ran a finger across her throat.

"So, Newbie, wanna sit with us at lunch or what?"

Bella thought she'd better oblige before she had her throat cut. She quickly followed the girls into the cafeteria. Today's special was gruel with a side of charcoal.

As Jessica was filling Bella in on who to buy marijuana from and address listings scrawled along the toilet walls, Bella felt a creepy set of fingers caress her shoulder. She shuddered and quickly turned around. She was met with some scrawny, gangly little brunette geek with a rather over-eager smile pasted across his acne-ridden face.

"OMG, hey, I'm Mike Newton, you must be the new girl!" the geek introduced. "I thought maybe you would like to sorta kinda maybe sit together in class or something!"

Bella was freaked out, to say the least. "Um, we barely _know_ each other. And..."

"And I already have a copy of your timetable so I can keep track of where you are and watch you because I am _totally_ in love with you!" Mike then began sniffing Bella's hair. Bella immediately pushed him away, with Mike falling against the jocks' lunch table, causing food to fly into the overhead fan and all over the room. Everyone in the room groaned in disgust.

As Bella cleaned herself up a little, her attention was then captivated by five people sitting across from her. No food had landed on them and they were sitting completely still, like stone statutes. They were all so achingly beautiful as well, so beautiful that you just wanted to beat their pretty little faces in so they could feel a little bit of what you feel, just a little bit of your ugliness so they could _suffer!_

Ahem...Anyway, one of the beautiful people in particular caught Bella's eye. He had reddish-brown hair, alabaster skin and, rather strangely, eyes of gold. Yet, she couldn't turn away...

"Who's that?" Bella inquired. "That guy over there? "

"Oh, that's Edward Cullen," Jessica swooned. Her friends joined in. "He's a total dreamboat! Girls even throw their panties at him, even _me_" Jessica's dreamy smile then faded. "But apparently, _none_ of the girls in Forks are his type, so I wouldn't hold your breath, Newbie."

That didn't deter Bella one bit. She was still captivated by the handsome stranger, this Edward fellow. And hopefully, sooner rather than later, she would be running into him very soon...Which wasn't hard since Forks was basically the size of a shoebox...

Bella walked into Chemistry class. With Mike right behind her.

"Bella, would you like to sit next to me, huh?" Mike asked, overenthusiastically, of course. "Then I could be able to talk to you, and stare at you, and _smell you_..."

But Mike, once again, was shoved out of the way and slammed against the wall, slinking down like a piece of pickle from a McDonald's cheeseburger. And he was shoved out of the way by none other than Edward Cullen...

Edward took a seat next to Bella. Her breath constricted in her throat and she suddenly felt dizzy. Why was he making her feel this way? He was too beautiful to be true...

Bella then noticed something else rather strange. Edward had an unusual grimace across his face as if he were in pain or something. His fists were balled up into fists, veins dangerously close to bursting point. Maybe he takes steroids or something. Usually they made you very_, very_ angry. Probably because your ding dong gets smaller when you take them. Tru fact

Or maybe it was because of..._her_? Was Edward really repulsed by her? Disgusted, even?

Bella felt hurt. Real hurt. She couldn't believe she could make someone feel such a way without even knowing anything about her. He didn't even look at her, not even once.

Bella was overcome with overflowing, uncontrollable emotion, or 'being emo' as the kids like to call it these days. As soon as class was over (the Chemistry teacher cut proceedings short because he was too hung over to continue), Bella ran from the room, screaming, crying and singing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' at the top of her lungs, running through the double doors and to the crappy old truck Charlie had won in a poker match from Billy Black one fateful day. Bella had hotwired it that morning because Charlie had disappeared from the house that morning and had no one to drive her to school.

Bella then drove away, still heaving with melodramatic sobs just missing a stray cat on the highway.

"Wait!" Mike went running after Bella's car to stalk her even further.

However, Bella, too upset to see Mike, hit him on the way past. Mike went flying over the windshield and into the janitor who was raking up leaves, crushing him instantly. And Willy the Janitor had had only two days left till retirement...


End file.
